| 3 months. |
[Oct. 12th, 2010|01:33 pm] |
Saying goodbyes are always hard. You hug a little tighter, smell a little deeper, attempt to commit to feel the person to your memory. You want time to stop, but it can't and you know it can't. You know that you have to go on. So you cling on for a moment, and press your lips to their check and murmur, I'll see you when I see you. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 4th, 2010|08:54 pm] |
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I really cannot get over what happened. Why did you do it. Why. Looking at your photos and what people posted on your wall, it's heartbreaking. So many people love you and care for you. Even an outsider like me, sister of one of your good friends, gets affected by this. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 4th, 2010|04:14 pm] |
God, help all these people who are going through so much right now. Help the friends and family of J who are suffering and missing her so much, help them be able to get through this. I hate to see my sister in this state, I hate to see my friends as well who has been affected by her death, in this state. It pains me, so much more than anyone can ever imagine.
Sa has leukemia. I feel like I'm about to break down but I can't. I don't know how to help her family, I don't know how to convince myself anymore that things will turn out alright. Godma and Hallie left just months ago and this had to happen. Why does everyone have to leave? Why does everything have to come crumbling down like this? God, tell me why. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 29th, 2010|11:37 pm] |
So apparently, many people have come up to me asking if I was going through anything severe or I was doing okay in school. Seems like my facade has been slowly fading away and my emotions have been breaking through.
Dad saw me curling up in bed today and he thought I wasn't feeling well. Truth is, I was hiding under the covers, crying my eyes out.
I feel completely alone. There is no one at all, no one I am willing to bare my heart to anymore, no one I am willing to share my problems with anymore. Ironically, people seem to come to me and bury me with their woes and sorrows, expecting me to be the one who takes all their grief away.
I honestly thought I was stronger than this.
Thoughts of you don’t appear as much anymore. But when I see her face, all I think of is you and the things you said about her. Does it ever get easier? I’m running out of faith in ever moving on. That sick feeling I get when I wake is becoming too much of a norm and I need it to stop because I feel it eating me slowly.
And I do not like it.
Sigh, sometimes I wonder if I've depression or something. |
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| via superflygagbag@tumblr |
[Sep. 27th, 2010|02:31 pm] |
Imperfections.
What did I lack as a person, as a daughter, as a friend, as a lover? Every night, I ask myself why. Did you really have to leave? Do I disgust you? How did I ever not show you i loved you? Did I make a mistake for caring too much? There’s too much, so much running through my head. Every single word. I don’t get it, I don’t even know when I ever will. Do you even know? I hurt, I’m broken. Fix me, just fucking fix me. Who do I turn to? My best friend, well he broke my heart. & I don’t have that strength to love anyone anymore. & it hurts to know that. To know that I’m not capable enough for anything, for anyone. For, loving. I’m so bitter, it frustrates me. I don’t feel happy anymore. It’s not me, to be this way. How can someone claim to love you so much, just walk away from you like that? Maybe it’s me, I’m pushing you away as I battle with my heart to keep you near. So, well, cheers to love & the fucking pain it requires. But I don’t regret this, cause I tried my best & you still left. I just don’t see how things turned out this way. If only we all couldn’t feel. I can’t do this anymore.
Inseparable. never.
& I thank you for showing me, how naive I must be about love. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 25th, 2010|12:25 pm] |
I claim to hate you and I always tell myself to forget about you and to get you out of my life, permanently. But I never do have enough strength to accomplish that. And I end up hurting myself even more.
All this wouldn't have happened if I hadn't pushed you away.
I've never experienced a day that life felt more meaningless, than today. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 23rd, 2010|09:22 pm] |
I hate you, you hear me? And that's going to go on for a long time.
Go back to your stupid 'best friend' who drove you away for no rhyme or reason. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 17th, 2010|06:10 pm] |
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You make everything worth it. Everything you do, just makes me want to go on, just makes me want to continue loving you, for the rest of my life. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 17th, 2010|08:27 am] |
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Think I'm gonna start locking my posts. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 10th, 2010|02:14 am] |
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I just want to fucking cry myself to sleep tonight. I miss Hallie so much. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 6th, 2010|06:46 pm] |
Thinking we could be okay again... Well, I must have been crazy to even allow such a thought to enter my mind.
I need to stop going on facebook, twitter, tumblr, livejournal... The internet, to put it simply. And I need to stop thinking about things concerning you. You're not worth my life turning upside down.
I'm not really the type to post about my day. Used to make it a point to do that in the past, but life's such a drag these days, really.
I shall get back to studying SS now. Oh how badly I wish I could just burn all the notes I have about Singapore. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 6th, 2010|01:48 pm] |
Sigh, I'm not angry anymore. Guess I only blogged last night out of frustration.
I really can't stay mad at you for anything.
Why don't you just stop driving me insane :( SIGH. I need to focus. N's already started. Even my chinese compo today was about you. What was I thinking.
Well at least I know now that it hurts a lot less to not care at all. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 5th, 2010|08:01 pm] |
Just fucking go to hell. I've never been so fucking disappointed in my life. Ever since I got over you I never really gave two hoots about who you liked, I didn't even voice any fucking form of admonishment when you told me that she means more in your heart than I, I whom you claimed you never wanted to lose in this goddamn life of yours.
But guess what, now I realize that everything was just a fucking lie. I was delusional. I don't want to even fucking remember why I gave so much of myself to you. You who didn't mean a single fucking thing you said.
I am putting in more than a hundred percent to be friends with you again. I keep trying, I keep trying, I just keep trying and trying and trying. You care more about her, someone who doesn't even like you that much as a friend, than me, someone who just doesn't want to lose you in her life, ever.
When will you ever fucking see how much I care? Even when it's against my own will?
I texted you this morning to ask if you were in St Anne's. So maybe, just maybe, we could meet up and catch up for a little while. Couldn't you have just put in that fucking bit of effort to at least tell me whether you were around or not?! Do you fucking know how early I woke up to go for mass, with that fucking glimmer of hope that I'd be able to see you? I feel like such a fucking fool.
I hate you, R. I'm staying out of your life from today onwards. I'm so fucking done. Sick of trying, sick of expecting. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 3rd, 2010|04:07 pm] |
I haven't blogged in a long time. Tumblr has been my frustration buddy for the past six months, the place I expressed words I could have never done through any other website.
I guess reading other people's blogs (Tessa's, Amanda's) made me remember how much I really used to type in livejournal. It was like the only place I could rant and not be judged for anything at all.
I'm not afraid to admit now, that losing you was what made me want to change so much in my life. But I guess I've passed this hurdle and I don't brood over it anymore. I don't lament about how hard I try to get us back to the way we were but receiving nothing from you on the other end. I don't blame anyone anymore.
I'm proud to say, I don't cry myself to sleep anymore either.
I admit, I still think about you now and then, but I guess it's inevitable. We used to be such best friends. And surprisingly, whenever I read or see anything that reminds me of the past we shared together, I smile. My heart doesn't hurt anymore.
I don't deny that sometimes I wish we could as close as we were in the past. But as you always say, 'What you love the most might not necessarily be yours'.
I will always remember the times we had together. The days you came over to my house at 8am in the morning just to see how I was feeling, the days you would sacrifice lunch with your classmates just to cheer me up after I had a bad day. The days you would say silly things to me just to make me cook maggi mee for you, the days we sat down just talking about anything under the stars, the days you gave me the most comforting hugs ever when I broke down. The days you would beg me to let you read my diary when you knew that everything I wrote everyday was about you.
The days we were best friends. The days that nothing else mattered but each other.
I remember telling you this before 'We will be best friends, my husband and your wife will be best friends and our kids will form a band' and you always said 'What if your husband and my wife are each other!!' in such a jokingly manner.
I know it's hard for us to be friends now. It feels like we never knew each other. But I'm not afraid to say I'm really trying. Even when I ask you to accompany me to study through the night and you say you have HER to text every night... I still keep pushing. It's frustrating, really. Especially when I text you the night before, asking you to meet up and I KNOW you're not sleeping. But you don't reply even when school's over the next day.
I've moved on, and so have you. Deep in my heart I know that I am stilll expecting something from you. It's hard not to when your heart still wants to continue.
It's hard to stop. But I guess.. I guess time really heals all wounds. I'll just be patient.
Blogging never felt so good (: |
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| Chelsea's Rants |
[Aug. 15th, 2010|01:49 pm] |
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Hello everyone!!
My name is chelsea!:) did you hear that right?? ITS CHELSEA!! YAY!!
no.. its not the english football team -_- (like duh!) its me! chelsea, all singaporean chinese, female, 16 years old, full of energy and full fledged kiasu' ness:)
and im proud of it mind you, having a kickass name.
im proud im named chelsea, its a cool name cos its in relation with a football club.
if any of you other losers are named after football clubs, you'd probably be named after local teams with some horrfic name like
' what a beautifull baby!! i think we should name her 'geylang united' AHAHHHA
i just made myself laugh! hahahah! that was friggin funny.
have i ever mentioned i have a damn good sense of humour? i LURVEEE posting stuff on raphael's facebook about powerpuff girls.
but shhhh, don't tell anyone i have a spare costume underneath my bed ( im the 4th powerpuff girl stupid! )
and i go out for frequent powerpull girls kopi sessions at 401 kopitiam. but because me and my other powerpuff girls are so strong, we don't get drunk on drinking water and kopi and call our ex or current boyfriends to whine and fish for sympathy.
OPPS! was i a little too obvious? hahahah! im so sorry, I tend to have a knack for saying stuff like that. (but i like it. .. . ) -sinister smile inserted rightttt herer-
now, I have this like super hot, super cool, super one of a kind friend, His name is Charles and i swear he's the best thing since bread and butter.
he's so nice to me. sighh if only he and my current boyfriend wasn't having secret homosexual relations (wink wink big boy). . .
and he'd never do crazy ass things like log into my livejournal and post crazy things;)
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